Thirty.

So, I arrived at thirty.

Welcome to the club, begitu kata orang. Apa yang membuat tigapuluh begitu istimewa? Karena sudah melewati quarter-life crisis? Belum tentu. Karena sudah tidak duapuluhan lagi? well, they said maturity doesn't necessarily comes with age. Sudah nikah? Belum juga (kalau kawin sih, sud- ups!)

Jadi, tiga puluh tahun kemarin, udah ngapain aja lo?

Yang pasti, ada mimpi-mimpi yang tercapai, menemukan teman-teman yang setia, mengalami pembelajaran-pembelajaran berharga, dan ada keluarga yang takkan meninggalkan saya.

Saya sedang beranjak ke pos berikutnya. Menyusun mimpi-mimpi baru, merencana misi-misi hidup. Doakan saya sampai dengan selamat, dan tetap dengan senyum mengembang.

Pesta Malam

Ini sebentuk puisi kala jiwa dan raga tengah terikat emosi. 
Emosi memang salah satu obat mujarab perangkai kata :)



penoreh lukaku,
dengarkan ceritaku.

milikku sebentuk mimpi,
membakar bumimu hingga tandas,
mencabut akarmu hingga burai,
lalu pesta pora keras-keras.

luka-luka terkubur dalam,
dalamnya sumur siapa yang tahu.
biar perih di malam-malam,
menjerit hingga suara parau!

damai duniaku di negeri impian,
mereguk bahagia di atas tanah legam.
harapku kau membusuk di penantian,
tertelan neraka hitam nan kejam.

Clouds Unloaded

The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.  ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I've got this 'little thing called love' for the rain, as long as it's not hailing, storming, or flooding - of course. Raindrops are somewhat musical to my ears. One of my favourite rituals back when I lived across my university building was staring at droplets of water falling from the sky through my third-floor tiny studio apartment's only window. I just found it quite sentimental. And then I write, or draw, or paint, and my mind seems to just go with the flow. The power of 'water feature'? I don't really know.

When I'm outside, it's my kind of entertainment to observe around. People with umbrellas, people with ponchos. Some drenched and don't really care. Kids holding onto their mum's hand, dads carrying their babies up. Puddles everywhere, like a jumping game for people chasing trams or simply trying to find shelter. It's commotion, even before hail comes to say hello. And watching from above, the sky doesn't seem to care.

Despite the chaos, I'm faithful to my love. You'll see me folding my umbrella, taking a seat on the tram, maybe staring at my soaked converse sneakers. I'll get home, having a bowl of instant noodle soup, a warm shower, and tucked myself under the quilt, respectively.

And secretly hoping the rain won't stop till the sun shine up.

Another year.

Yes, another year and I've abandoned this space for too long already. I've been longing to come back for writing (and reading) but time only became available just recently. Twenty-twelve unfolds lots of stories of my life, including events I've never expected I'd experienced.

Survived supporting myself, landed on a design job, attended my first two concerts (which were awesome, btw!), and getting mum a holiday! The latter was one fine collaboration of me and my brother. Ah, how I miss them. Without her, I would not be here - in a fine land far away, with a master's degree and living on my own.

For twenty-thirteen, I'll embark a new decade of my life. 'Thirty' seems scary, but maybe not really. Feels like I was only twenty yesterday :) Regrets and disappointments are too many to mention. But there were achievements and cherished moments in between, and without every single of them, I wouldn't arrive here.

I got a steady job and paid my trip home (along with rent, bills, clothes, food..) -that concludes my last year's goal. This year's? I'll go with some simple ones ; live healthier, savings saving savings! and be more productive. Everything else follows :)

Happy New Year!

Destinations.

Melbourne.
    Isn't she lovely and full of surprises?

Paris.
     I learnt French once, people looked down and laughed at me.
     "Where on earth is that alien language going to help you?"

     "Oh, ladies and gentlemen, laugh away!
      My heart settled for the beauty of the language,
      and I'll set my foot there one day,
      whispering my dreams to Louvre and NotreDame."

Netherlands.
     Hoping memories to live,
     and all the love they've shared with me.

Greece.
    A wish to see a long-lost penfriend,
    I hope it won't be too late by then.

London.
    Ssshh, let me tell you a little secret,
    I've got this thing for blokes with British accent..

and maybe from Heathrow, I'll fly back to home, where I left my heart..

About Abuse

It's a big word, isn't it? Abuse. As a kid, I thought abuse was relevant only when there's blood involved, and it's a bad, bad thing to do. As I grew up, of course, I learned more from newspapers, tv and other media and eventually collected various perspectives. Not that I was an arts student of psychology, I was simply interested and I was and am still an avid audience of tv shows such as CSI, Criminal Minds, Law&Order, and the likes. Still, doesn't make me bulletproof.

I bumped into this article earlier today on the news website and made me ponder. These issues are still taken lightly into account in this modern world and even in developed countries. Let alone third world and developing countries, like where I grew up and live for twenty six years, yet the impact is massive on one person's life.

Born and raised as a minority in a country I love dearly and call home- both in religion and ethnic, made me an easy target. Sexual, verbal, emotional, and/or power abuse is something considered common and when it happened, it happened, period.When it comes to someone we know of, we helped, we comforted, but none of significant actions taken. And me, just like the others that falls in the same minority groups, has nothing to say but grateful that those gruesome events didn't happen to us, yet. And there once I thought, justice only served on those tv shows or somewhere on the other side of the world, while looking at our severely crippled justice system.

I have never been able to say anything about myself being sexually harassed, but here I am writing about it now. Some people might say, you didn't get raped or anything near that, so why bother speaking up? I've learned that anything done to me without my consent was and always an abuse. Abusive experience takes you into a deep black hole and could take away anyone's life anytime. And no, I won't take any accusations saying it's my responsible to take care of my very self and I could've prevent it to happen. It was just the wrong perception I've swallowed over the past years, because some people suggested me that route instead. I've also learned how I've been emotionally abused after I walked out from a long-term relationship. After. Because when no one takes it seriously, no one will ever even think it's too powerful and too destructive.

And let me say now, I'm just one of many survivors out there.

Mari Bermain Rasa

Prosa singkat pendamping pameran :
'Mari Bermain Rasa' oleh Ivan Christianto.
Casa by Bravacasa  - The Ritz Carlton Jakarta, Agustus 2011

Menggagas ide dan mencipta karya, menyajikan hangat-hangat dan menikmati sedikit gemerincing pundi-pundi. Macam inikah hidup perancang setelah era modernisasi?

Lama-lama memuakkan.
Membosankan. 
Mematikan.

Onggokan kayu-kayu menatap tajam dan menjerit; metropolitan sudah kian terik, tuan.
Cepat-cepat tambahkan umur kami!

Baiklah, pikir sang perancang, biar kebosanan ini menjadi milik semua orang.

Lalu dimulailah orkestra mesin pemotong.

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Nafasnya hampir habis ditelan arus kejemuan, saat perahu merah jambu mengajaknya serta.

Mari, kata nona dalam perahu, aku perlu seorang pendayung lagi, katanya lagi; tak kuasa diri sendiri melawan arus.

Mengapa melawan arus?, tanya sang perancang sambil mulai mendayung. Arus kencang kian terasa ringan. Mencari duniaku, sahut sang nona. Dunia pemberi nyawa? tanya sang perancang kembali. Nona di dalam perahu menoleh tak percaya. Kau juga?

Bagai nyala api dihembus angin, keduanya seakan terbakar hebat. Kayuhan semakin padu, perahu merah jambu terpacu menuju hulu.

---

Arus kian tenang, hingga tak lagi dirasa beban. Samar tergambar tujuan para pendayung. Di atas perahu, napak tilas sang perancang berbuah manis, berkunjung ke taman yang nyata menghidupi si mesin penggagas.

Taman yang mengajar bahwa hidup tak harus didikte oleh manusia-manusia (sok) penikmat, atau para pencipta masal penunggu gunungan pundi. Tak harus pula cerlang gemilang bak kolam emas.

Hidup layaknya cerita adalah sajian sejuta rasa gegap gempita, disusul titik-titik kristal bening, serta sejumput keheningan.

Nikmatilah. Hargailah. Bermainlah.